I'm not sure exactly what my problem is but I know that I am struggling with some emotional junk that is weighing my progress down. I have been exercising like a trooper, I love to work out! My eating has been okay, but I have noticed over the past few days that I have eaten more than I should and not always followed my own rules...at first I thought I was just hungrier due to the increased exercise but now, I'm not so sure!
Although I have yo-yo'ed quite a bit over the years I haven't been to my "normal" weight since I was 19. Having babies never affected my weight so much, I was healthier when I was pregnant and didn't gain much weight and had no trouble losing baby phat, in fact I only gained 10 lbs total with the twins and lost 37 lbs the day I had them...(that was the best weight loss day of my life) nope, I can't put the blame of weight on my kids nor do I want to.
My problem is rooted a little deeper than that and a lot harder to talk about, but I suppose if I put it out on the proverbial table maybe, just maybe, I will be able to find a way to deal with it? (deep breath) When I was 19, almost 20 I was raped by my ex boyfriend, within a year I had gained almost 100 lbs. Everybody was freaked out and nobody had a clue what my problem was, my mom was pushing me to go to all these doctors and see if I had a thyroid issue, my best friend who I was to be her maid of honor soon, just smiled as I had multiple re-fittings of my bridesmaid dress to adjust to my ever expanding arse and my current boyfriend wasn't thrilled but as our relationship was fragile anyway, I think his reasoning was that I wouldn't leave him as long as I was fat.
After a few years of being absolutely miserable and stuffing down all the emotions that go along with being raped and never dealing with it I started to see a counselor who helped me to realize all the junk that went along with my ordeal. Somewhere in my mind I had decided that fat girls don't get raped or abused and subconsciously chose to put on a protective wall around myself, a nice thick wall of flesh.
I have spent a lot of years analyzing the why's and how's and the choices I have made that have got me to this place, I have used my fat to build a wall in almost all my relationships with men and now I want the wall to fall down and I wonder if I am subconsciously afraid of what will happen if it does come tumbling down. I believe I am strong enough to defend myself against rape or sexual predators, that isn't my fear.
I'm not really sure what my fear is.
I think that's about all I can write just now but I'm sure there will be more to come as I work this all out.
You're such an amazing girl! This is your year!
ReplyDeleteI am in awe of how open and honest you are. It's like you are saying exactly what I feel, you are expressing my fears, my emotions, the same things that have happened to me, it's incredible reading this. I deeply appreciate what you've written and shared, you have really touched my heart.
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