A few reminders for myself!

Started the HCG diet and am down 8.6lbs in two days which is awesome!  I feel good, not hungry, not weak or dizzy and I know that I can do this.  I needed a jump start after stalling over the past couple months and here it is!  I would love to lose 45 in this cycle, that's my goal.  A few things I want to remind myself.
1.  It's better with a buddy.  Dieting and exercising are much more palatable and enjoyable when shared!
2. Write down goals and progress, I don't like to log what I ate and what I did but I know that keeping track keeps me on track!
3. New running shoes make me smile!
4. My attitude and self perception are important and keeping them in a healthy balance really does keep me motivated.  When I feel good about myself I want to keep doing better, when I start to beat up on myself I go downhill fast!  Love yourself and your accomplishments, find something positive to compliment yourself on everyday. 
5. Numbers are just that...numbers.  They don't define me, they don't make me more or less kind, smart, happy, beautiful or capable...they are just numbers!

Well, I'm off, tomorrow is Zumba and I'm looking forward to it!

She believed she could, so she did!

I have been looking for a new mantra and I think I have found it! 

When I went back to school as a single mom with three little kids I had witnessed several friends drop out after a semester or two, the excuses were many and understandable but I decided that if I got back into school (after paying off my previous student loans, obtaining a child care grant after being on the waiting list almost two years, and working three jobs while waiting to jump through all the hoops of our higher education system) I would stick it out come hell or high water!  So my mantra then was "death or graduation" I decided that the only thing that would stop me from finishing without any breaks would be death...and with that I started my undergrad experience again!  I managed to finish three degrees over the next 11 years while raising my kids and working as well.  I'm not writing this to toot my own horn, I believe anybody can do whatever they set their mind to! 

Over the past few years with the economy tanking and all the obstacles that I have encountered financially, personally, physcially and career wise I realized the other day that I have been flitting around from one thing to another with no real direction, no passion, no real goals and my life has been depressing and overwhelming as of late...what I need is a mantra, something that helps me get through with a positive and thankful attitude, one that looks forward but is able to enjoy being in the moment as well!...but mantra's can be hard to find, one's that really encompass everything that you need at the moment, easy to remember, ones that resonate with where you need to propell yourself...but the other day a facebook friend had posted a couple notes that included the following "She believed she could so she did" and there it was...I feel as if it was written and given to me.  It covers all areas of my life right now...it is positive and still sits on the premise that "if you think you can, or you think you can't, either way you're right!"  So I have fixed my new mantra on my phone wall paper, on my facebook wall and will continue to paste it wherever it will help me remember it until it becomes a truth!  I plan on using it for all the areas of my life that are in such a sad shape right now; spiritually, physically, career, relationships...well you get the point!  I'm preparing myself for amazing things and I encourage you to do so too!

The Mind~Body Connection

I had a great conversation with my best friend last night about the whole surreal experience of losing weight and how we see ourselves...wasn't the first and probably won't be the last.  Michelle has lost a lot of weight over the last year or so and it's very beneficial to have somebody to talk this whole mind-body connection weirdness with, because losing weight, and sizes and all, don't get me wrong, is very cool, but very weird.  Surreal. 

A lot of people say I personally don't 'see' it (the changes) because I look at my self in the mirror everyday but as M and I were talking (and agreeing) it's more than just seeing your self, and the reflection, it's more about How you see yourself!

Firstly, sizes are all messed up, they are changed over the years so what was a size 6 in the 60's and a size 4 in the 80's is now a size 0...(and just an aside, Who wants to be a fricking size 0??)  Clothes I wore last time I was on this ride when I know I weighed more (or less) fit me completely different now, I attribute that to getting a little older, losing some muscle mass and just general body composition.  But M and I were talking about how we can put a size _ on and it fits, or it may even be too big and we just are in shock and awe because "Really?  how is that possible?  I look in the mirror and I still see the same body I saw 60lbs ago!!!"  We were sharing how it must have been some manufacturing flaw where the wrong size got into my pants...or they have stretched out...something, anything to make sense of it!
Same thing for me and the scale...I get on, I feel I must've gained all my weight back overnight and yet the number on the scale reads the same or remarkably less?  After reading the number some mornings, jumping off and then while brushing my teeth I have just stared at the scale in amazement...it must not be calibrated right or something (it's a doctor type home scale with a sliding bar) the best word to describe the experience is Surreal! 
Photos can be deceptive I know...Some pics I look at and I can really see a difference and then others I see no change and I have been trying to photo journal my progress because eventually I may be able to see where I've come from in a picture...but again I think that the real issue isn't what I see, it's How I see.  And that is the mystery that I am working on...My question for myself and anybody who happens to stumble upon this blog is this...How much of what is projected (and what others see) is dependent on how we put ourselves out there [on any given day] so, if for instance 20+ pounds ago, I was having a good positive day, feeling pretty, maybe even sexy...do I look good, better or worse (to others) than on a day now (minus that 20) if I'm having a not so pretty sexy day?  Is it mostly in perception, both my own and others?  How I carry myself and put me out there?  I may not be making much sense in the written word, but I really think that How one sees themselves and consequently projects themself is pretty potent...it's the same idea I wrote about a few blog posts ago only in reverse...If I feel that I look good do I look good?  and if I feel that I look bad do I look bad? 

Just some random ponderings for a Friday! 

A little update

I haven't been so good about posting on my blog...so much has happened since I last posted I don't even know where to start!  I did get some blood work done last week and all my numbers have drastically improved; My blood pressure is 127/63, my weight is down between 55-60lbs depending on the time of day I weigh myself ;), cholestrol levels are all down except for the good one which is up!  Triclycerides went from 93 to 87, cholesterol was 181 now its 165, LDL was 114 now it's 98 and my HDL was 48 and now it's 50!  My A1C is 6.0 so that's back to the normal level...All this is encouraging and I'm down a full 3 sizes but this size is now getting pretty baggy and I'm thinking I may be down another one very soon! 

Somehow I still find myself struggling...I was hoping that as I got my health in good shape along with my booty that I could figure out the messed up way that I think in relation to food and men and relationships and fix it.  When does all the junk associated with weight and self-image and boys all just go away?  That seems to be the biggest challenge for me and as I get smaller the problems just seem to be escalating rather than diminishing.  I find myself dealing with rejection and feeling unloveable either by stuffing or starving. 

I am going to try really hard to write more and figure this all out...more to come!

Numbers don't really matter but sometimes they shock the hell out of me!!!

Since June I have had a pair of jeans hanging in my closet, facing out so that I could see them and be motivated to fit my booty in them...they are cute, have embroidery on the cuff and when I first tried them on I couldn't get them over my hips...Sunday I wore them all morning, comfortably!  They are the same size as my dress pants that I recently bought three sizes smaller than I was wearing last Christmas...all of this seems rather unreal to me, I'm just now starting to see some changes in my body when I look in the mirror and then today I thought I would step on the scale; mid afternoon, after a good lunch with my clothes on...and holy cow!!! I am down at least 12lbs from last time I weighed just a week and half ago!!!  I'm not sure what it is that is doing the trick, I know I have been working a lot and when I work I am in almost constant motion, also, I haven't been hungry for awhile, I eat but just not very much and I have found that food just isn't as appealing to me since I have been working in the food biz, things look good on the plate but I just don't really want to eat...whatever is working it's magic on my booty, I'm not going to over analyze, I'm just going to appreciate it and keep on moving towards my goals.  I haven't been this weight or size since I believe early 2004 and that was motivated by a guy and lasted less than a couple of months...this time I'm motivated by other things and I know that I'm making lasting changes, with or without a guy in my life I'm doing this for me and my healthy future! 

So, now on to the next set of goals...more on this soon!

Summer break?

Wow!  I knew it had been awhile since I've blogged but I didn't realize it had been most of the summer.  The days have really just flown by and here it is almost Autumn, my favorite time of year.  The summer had its ups and downs for sure, we moved, just across town but as always moving is stressful and time consuming.  I have a new job, hostessing at a local diner/steak house, and my kids have started their senior year, football season is started and in the midst of all the chaos of my life I have somehow and somewhere lost three sizes!  As exciting as this has been for me I feel that I need to clarify that...since I had bought dress pants last I have lost three full sizes!  The last time I really bought several pair of work pants was when I lived in Seattle and I've been wearing them even as they have gotten bigger, when I started work at the beginning of September I was wearing them and was having serious issues keeping them up (which could be potentially embarassing carrying a full load of plates to and from tables) so I went to get another pair...and I kept having to go to the next size down.  It really was a surreal experience because when I look in the mirror I don't see anything different.  How can my booty really be wearing that size?  I don't feel that size...well, maybe I do just a little bit...so then I started trying clothes on from my closet that I haven't been able to wear comfortably and guess what?  They were fitting differently too!  I realized that I needed to try and see myself a little differently and stop being so mean to myself whenever I look in the mirror...I know that I hadn't been running or working out as often as I should've all summer or eating very healthy consistently.  Looking back however I know that I was working hard and not focusing on my weight and every thing I put in my mouth, just eating when I was hungry and stopping when I was full or before then, and moving as much as I needed and so there is something to be said about just letting it be, just living and not obsessing so much!

I'm rambling I know but I think the moral of this story is that there is a season for everything, a time to assess and change, a time to live and not worry so much, a time to love yourself no matter what size your currently sporting, and a time to be in awe that your body can let go and change without you pummeling the tar out of it every second of the day, and a time to do a little happy dance in the dressing room when you really get your booty in that size pants you haven't worn for quite a few years!

Love yourself!

secrets

The wall that I have built around me to protect and keep me from being hurt is the same wall that keeps me alone and unlovable and I don’t know how to break it down.

No Pain, No Gain?

I am beginning the process of training for my first 1/2 marathon this October!  I'm upping my mileage and I'm experiencing some pain...my feet mostly.  It's probably a combination of being a big girl and being an old girl but I am determined to keep it going.  Eventually it will all be worth it right?  I'm down another 4lbs...woohoo! 

Where did the time go?!?!

So here it is the 8th and I realized that I haven't written for several days...bad blogging!  I had a whirlwind weekend and last few days and limited internet access/time so I forgive myself and move on!  The exciting news is...my best friend Michelle, who BTW has been losing weight like a mad woman and looks Freaking FANTASTIC I'd like to ad, gave me a big bag of clothes this weekend...some of which I had given her over the years, some of them new to me...the really cool part?  They are sizes down and I have officially found myself in 2 (and in some cases 3) sizes smaller clothing!!!  woo hoo...I am just so excited and hopefully this isn't coming across as being a little braggart but I feel like doing the Irene Cara "what a feeling" dance and I can't wipe the smile off my face!  My mom even noticed today...so what I'd like to share to anybody reading this...or to myself if I read this again in the future...keep on keeping on, don't ever give up on yourself, find multiple ways to measure your success because it is worth it and fitting successfully into smaller clothes is just one little awesome perk of getting your booty healthy and in shape! 

:)

Checking In

In an attempt to blog more often I am setting my goal to write every other day minimum at least a paragraph.  Yesterday I had an appointment with my nutritionist (whom I call Diabetty) and I had lost yet another 2lbs...so now I am feeling encouraged again and want to try for 4 more lbs so I can hit a total of 40lbs (once more...I hit this goal earlier and "backslid")
I am attempting smaller goals, little chunks so to speak, because I always tend to bite off more than I can chew and then I think I feel a little overwhelmed. 
Anyway, back to Diabetty and my meeting...she was so proud of me and my numbers that she gave me a hug and if you know me I'm not so much a hugger, but it really was a cool moment.  In addition I am sore from all the walking and running I have been doing but I am determined to get my miles up and more pounds down! 
South Beach?  So far, so good...I'm thinking that this may be a really good choice for me...I'm more conscious of making good all around food choices rather than just how many carbs something has in it...I'm looking at Fiber, (29 grams a day) and fat and protein and then the overall nutrient value...I think Dr. Agaston and I are going to have a wonderful relationship! 
It's pouring down raining here today and the wind is blowing like mad but I am set to get a good hard work out in...I'm going for an hour in the house and then see if the weather lets up a bit so I can my run on! :)  My P90X is defective somehow so I am working on getting either the dvd adjusted or fix the tracking (can you do that on dvd's or did I just date myself back to vhs thinking?)  When P90X starts I probably wont have the energy to write, but I'll try! 

Dolce' Vita!

Crunching some numbers

SO...I got back from the doctors and my 6 month check up today...and things are actually looking really good!  According to her scale I have only lost a grand total of 34lbs...and I know that number flucuates 3-4 lbs so it's all good, (my scale said 38lb loss first thing this a.m.)...but my other blood work numbers are really cool!  Blood pressure had been going significantly down since I stopped taking on the worries of the world but now my blood pressure is consistently and completely normal...yeah!  My A1C which is a cumalitive blood sugar average over the past three months is 6.1 which is down from a 7.5...that's really a big drop and I owe that to nutrition changes and exercise!!!  WOOHOO!  In addition my fasting blood sugar levels are significantly down...in the normal range too...my cholesterol was 181, triglycerides 93, HDL 48 and LDL 114...which are all within normal healthy ranges!  I am seriously going to reverse all this negative health junk and  I'm really stoked about all this! 

Yesterday I went almost 7 miles on an interval walk/run, it KILLED the balls of my feet for some reason and so I had to soak in the hot tub...but that wasn't so bad! Today was my day to switch to the South Beach diet and it's going well, I've been ready to do so for awhile...I think Atkins is a little too restrictive in regards to fruit and it being summer I think that SB will be a better fit (plus I was finding weird excuses to go off diet and I don't want to have a "diet" mentality) SB also seems to allow some living circumstance room and it takes in glycemic index, which I have found is very important for me personally...also SB knows that people have birthdays and a piece of cake is NOT the end of the world...its about achieving balance...Cake for breakfast everyday...no bueno...cake at a party once in a while...tres bien! 

Well that's about it for my little health update...I want to try and write daily in the month of June and see if that helps me knock the next 34lbs!  I will also be giving updates on the new exercise routine I am trying out...P90X anybody? :)

It's a good life!

Desperately Seeking ...?

So, I have got it in my head that I need a work out buddy or a trainer...and since funds are at a low point right now I'm thinkin' a personal trainer is out (unless I can find one that will work for home baked brownies and pretty pictures...) but seriously where in H-Town OR am I going to find a hunk of burning love work out buddy that can inspire and push me towards my goal of losing 100 big ones by the end of summer?  I'm thinking a Maks/Kirstie 'Dancing with the Stars' type relationship where I get to work my booty off while being highly motivated by a tall dark handsome man with an accent who has all the right moves!  lol...any ideas? 

Seriously though I must keep my sense of humor as I struggle through this funk...and a work out buddy would be SWEET!  I think I am Finally back on track with the cutting of the carbs and what, you ask triggered that?  Getting good and angry and finding some determination inside of me that says 'No matter what obstacles, no matter who doubts me or sabotages me...I WILL do this just to show you I can.' 

Still working through all of this and trying to figure it all out, but like my brother told me in a conversation regarding this struggle the other day, "you have to just get to the point where it doesn't matter what happened in the past, you just have to go forward and succeed in spite of all that" and I wholeheartedly agree!  This issue will crop up again I'm sure and I will just have to battle right through it and keep on keeping on.  This is not a jog around the park but a marathon and the finish line is the day I draw my last breath on earth, NOT when I reach a specific goal...my goal is to have a strong, sexy, beautiful body so that I can have, God-willing, a long, healthy, beautiful life! 

So, while I would seriously LOVE to have a work out buddy, preferably a hot guy with an accent, I will continue to desperately pursue my goals and not give up...ever, ever, ever...EVER!