The Mind~Body Connection

I had a great conversation with my best friend last night about the whole surreal experience of losing weight and how we see ourselves...wasn't the first and probably won't be the last.  Michelle has lost a lot of weight over the last year or so and it's very beneficial to have somebody to talk this whole mind-body connection weirdness with, because losing weight, and sizes and all, don't get me wrong, is very cool, but very weird.  Surreal. 

A lot of people say I personally don't 'see' it (the changes) because I look at my self in the mirror everyday but as M and I were talking (and agreeing) it's more than just seeing your self, and the reflection, it's more about How you see yourself!

Firstly, sizes are all messed up, they are changed over the years so what was a size 6 in the 60's and a size 4 in the 80's is now a size 0...(and just an aside, Who wants to be a fricking size 0??)  Clothes I wore last time I was on this ride when I know I weighed more (or less) fit me completely different now, I attribute that to getting a little older, losing some muscle mass and just general body composition.  But M and I were talking about how we can put a size _ on and it fits, or it may even be too big and we just are in shock and awe because "Really?  how is that possible?  I look in the mirror and I still see the same body I saw 60lbs ago!!!"  We were sharing how it must have been some manufacturing flaw where the wrong size got into my pants...or they have stretched out...something, anything to make sense of it!
Same thing for me and the scale...I get on, I feel I must've gained all my weight back overnight and yet the number on the scale reads the same or remarkably less?  After reading the number some mornings, jumping off and then while brushing my teeth I have just stared at the scale in amazement...it must not be calibrated right or something (it's a doctor type home scale with a sliding bar) the best word to describe the experience is Surreal! 
Photos can be deceptive I know...Some pics I look at and I can really see a difference and then others I see no change and I have been trying to photo journal my progress because eventually I may be able to see where I've come from in a picture...but again I think that the real issue isn't what I see, it's How I see.  And that is the mystery that I am working on...My question for myself and anybody who happens to stumble upon this blog is this...How much of what is projected (and what others see) is dependent on how we put ourselves out there [on any given day] so, if for instance 20+ pounds ago, I was having a good positive day, feeling pretty, maybe even sexy...do I look good, better or worse (to others) than on a day now (minus that 20) if I'm having a not so pretty sexy day?  Is it mostly in perception, both my own and others?  How I carry myself and put me out there?  I may not be making much sense in the written word, but I really think that How one sees themselves and consequently projects themself is pretty potent...it's the same idea I wrote about a few blog posts ago only in reverse...If I feel that I look good do I look good?  and if I feel that I look bad do I look bad? 

Just some random ponderings for a Friday! 

A little update

I haven't been so good about posting on my blog...so much has happened since I last posted I don't even know where to start!  I did get some blood work done last week and all my numbers have drastically improved; My blood pressure is 127/63, my weight is down between 55-60lbs depending on the time of day I weigh myself ;), cholestrol levels are all down except for the good one which is up!  Triclycerides went from 93 to 87, cholesterol was 181 now its 165, LDL was 114 now it's 98 and my HDL was 48 and now it's 50!  My A1C is 6.0 so that's back to the normal level...All this is encouraging and I'm down a full 3 sizes but this size is now getting pretty baggy and I'm thinking I may be down another one very soon! 

Somehow I still find myself struggling...I was hoping that as I got my health in good shape along with my booty that I could figure out the messed up way that I think in relation to food and men and relationships and fix it.  When does all the junk associated with weight and self-image and boys all just go away?  That seems to be the biggest challenge for me and as I get smaller the problems just seem to be escalating rather than diminishing.  I find myself dealing with rejection and feeling unloveable either by stuffing or starving. 

I am going to try really hard to write more and figure this all out...more to come!

Numbers don't really matter but sometimes they shock the hell out of me!!!

Since June I have had a pair of jeans hanging in my closet, facing out so that I could see them and be motivated to fit my booty in them...they are cute, have embroidery on the cuff and when I first tried them on I couldn't get them over my hips...Sunday I wore them all morning, comfortably!  They are the same size as my dress pants that I recently bought three sizes smaller than I was wearing last Christmas...all of this seems rather unreal to me, I'm just now starting to see some changes in my body when I look in the mirror and then today I thought I would step on the scale; mid afternoon, after a good lunch with my clothes on...and holy cow!!! I am down at least 12lbs from last time I weighed just a week and half ago!!!  I'm not sure what it is that is doing the trick, I know I have been working a lot and when I work I am in almost constant motion, also, I haven't been hungry for awhile, I eat but just not very much and I have found that food just isn't as appealing to me since I have been working in the food biz, things look good on the plate but I just don't really want to eat...whatever is working it's magic on my booty, I'm not going to over analyze, I'm just going to appreciate it and keep on moving towards my goals.  I haven't been this weight or size since I believe early 2004 and that was motivated by a guy and lasted less than a couple of months...this time I'm motivated by other things and I know that I'm making lasting changes, with or without a guy in my life I'm doing this for me and my healthy future! 

So, now on to the next set of goals...more on this soon!

Summer break?

Wow!  I knew it had been awhile since I've blogged but I didn't realize it had been most of the summer.  The days have really just flown by and here it is almost Autumn, my favorite time of year.  The summer had its ups and downs for sure, we moved, just across town but as always moving is stressful and time consuming.  I have a new job, hostessing at a local diner/steak house, and my kids have started their senior year, football season is started and in the midst of all the chaos of my life I have somehow and somewhere lost three sizes!  As exciting as this has been for me I feel that I need to clarify that...since I had bought dress pants last I have lost three full sizes!  The last time I really bought several pair of work pants was when I lived in Seattle and I've been wearing them even as they have gotten bigger, when I started work at the beginning of September I was wearing them and was having serious issues keeping them up (which could be potentially embarassing carrying a full load of plates to and from tables) so I went to get another pair...and I kept having to go to the next size down.  It really was a surreal experience because when I look in the mirror I don't see anything different.  How can my booty really be wearing that size?  I don't feel that size...well, maybe I do just a little bit...so then I started trying clothes on from my closet that I haven't been able to wear comfortably and guess what?  They were fitting differently too!  I realized that I needed to try and see myself a little differently and stop being so mean to myself whenever I look in the mirror...I know that I hadn't been running or working out as often as I should've all summer or eating very healthy consistently.  Looking back however I know that I was working hard and not focusing on my weight and every thing I put in my mouth, just eating when I was hungry and stopping when I was full or before then, and moving as much as I needed and so there is something to be said about just letting it be, just living and not obsessing so much!

I'm rambling I know but I think the moral of this story is that there is a season for everything, a time to assess and change, a time to live and not worry so much, a time to love yourself no matter what size your currently sporting, and a time to be in awe that your body can let go and change without you pummeling the tar out of it every second of the day, and a time to do a little happy dance in the dressing room when you really get your booty in that size pants you haven't worn for quite a few years!

Love yourself!

secrets

The wall that I have built around me to protect and keep me from being hurt is the same wall that keeps me alone and unlovable and I don’t know how to break it down.

No Pain, No Gain?

I am beginning the process of training for my first 1/2 marathon this October!  I'm upping my mileage and I'm experiencing some pain...my feet mostly.  It's probably a combination of being a big girl and being an old girl but I am determined to keep it going.  Eventually it will all be worth it right?  I'm down another 4lbs...woohoo! 

Where did the time go?!?!

So here it is the 8th and I realized that I haven't written for several days...bad blogging!  I had a whirlwind weekend and last few days and limited internet access/time so I forgive myself and move on!  The exciting news is...my best friend Michelle, who BTW has been losing weight like a mad woman and looks Freaking FANTASTIC I'd like to ad, gave me a big bag of clothes this weekend...some of which I had given her over the years, some of them new to me...the really cool part?  They are sizes down and I have officially found myself in 2 (and in some cases 3) sizes smaller clothing!!!  woo hoo...I am just so excited and hopefully this isn't coming across as being a little braggart but I feel like doing the Irene Cara "what a feeling" dance and I can't wipe the smile off my face!  My mom even noticed today...so what I'd like to share to anybody reading this...or to myself if I read this again in the future...keep on keeping on, don't ever give up on yourself, find multiple ways to measure your success because it is worth it and fitting successfully into smaller clothes is just one little awesome perk of getting your booty healthy and in shape! 

:)

Checking In

In an attempt to blog more often I am setting my goal to write every other day minimum at least a paragraph.  Yesterday I had an appointment with my nutritionist (whom I call Diabetty) and I had lost yet another 2lbs...so now I am feeling encouraged again and want to try for 4 more lbs so I can hit a total of 40lbs (once more...I hit this goal earlier and "backslid")
I am attempting smaller goals, little chunks so to speak, because I always tend to bite off more than I can chew and then I think I feel a little overwhelmed. 
Anyway, back to Diabetty and my meeting...she was so proud of me and my numbers that she gave me a hug and if you know me I'm not so much a hugger, but it really was a cool moment.  In addition I am sore from all the walking and running I have been doing but I am determined to get my miles up and more pounds down! 
South Beach?  So far, so good...I'm thinking that this may be a really good choice for me...I'm more conscious of making good all around food choices rather than just how many carbs something has in it...I'm looking at Fiber, (29 grams a day) and fat and protein and then the overall nutrient value...I think Dr. Agaston and I are going to have a wonderful relationship! 
It's pouring down raining here today and the wind is blowing like mad but I am set to get a good hard work out in...I'm going for an hour in the house and then see if the weather lets up a bit so I can my run on! :)  My P90X is defective somehow so I am working on getting either the dvd adjusted or fix the tracking (can you do that on dvd's or did I just date myself back to vhs thinking?)  When P90X starts I probably wont have the energy to write, but I'll try! 

Dolce' Vita!

Crunching some numbers

SO...I got back from the doctors and my 6 month check up today...and things are actually looking really good!  According to her scale I have only lost a grand total of 34lbs...and I know that number flucuates 3-4 lbs so it's all good, (my scale said 38lb loss first thing this a.m.)...but my other blood work numbers are really cool!  Blood pressure had been going significantly down since I stopped taking on the worries of the world but now my blood pressure is consistently and completely normal...yeah!  My A1C which is a cumalitive blood sugar average over the past three months is 6.1 which is down from a 7.5...that's really a big drop and I owe that to nutrition changes and exercise!!!  WOOHOO!  In addition my fasting blood sugar levels are significantly down...in the normal range too...my cholesterol was 181, triglycerides 93, HDL 48 and LDL 114...which are all within normal healthy ranges!  I am seriously going to reverse all this negative health junk and  I'm really stoked about all this! 

Yesterday I went almost 7 miles on an interval walk/run, it KILLED the balls of my feet for some reason and so I had to soak in the hot tub...but that wasn't so bad! Today was my day to switch to the South Beach diet and it's going well, I've been ready to do so for awhile...I think Atkins is a little too restrictive in regards to fruit and it being summer I think that SB will be a better fit (plus I was finding weird excuses to go off diet and I don't want to have a "diet" mentality) SB also seems to allow some living circumstance room and it takes in glycemic index, which I have found is very important for me personally...also SB knows that people have birthdays and a piece of cake is NOT the end of the world...its about achieving balance...Cake for breakfast everyday...no bueno...cake at a party once in a while...tres bien! 

Well that's about it for my little health update...I want to try and write daily in the month of June and see if that helps me knock the next 34lbs!  I will also be giving updates on the new exercise routine I am trying out...P90X anybody? :)

It's a good life!

Desperately Seeking ...?

So, I have got it in my head that I need a work out buddy or a trainer...and since funds are at a low point right now I'm thinkin' a personal trainer is out (unless I can find one that will work for home baked brownies and pretty pictures...) but seriously where in H-Town OR am I going to find a hunk of burning love work out buddy that can inspire and push me towards my goal of losing 100 big ones by the end of summer?  I'm thinking a Maks/Kirstie 'Dancing with the Stars' type relationship where I get to work my booty off while being highly motivated by a tall dark handsome man with an accent who has all the right moves!  lol...any ideas? 

Seriously though I must keep my sense of humor as I struggle through this funk...and a work out buddy would be SWEET!  I think I am Finally back on track with the cutting of the carbs and what, you ask triggered that?  Getting good and angry and finding some determination inside of me that says 'No matter what obstacles, no matter who doubts me or sabotages me...I WILL do this just to show you I can.' 

Still working through all of this and trying to figure it all out, but like my brother told me in a conversation regarding this struggle the other day, "you have to just get to the point where it doesn't matter what happened in the past, you just have to go forward and succeed in spite of all that" and I wholeheartedly agree!  This issue will crop up again I'm sure and I will just have to battle right through it and keep on keeping on.  This is not a jog around the park but a marathon and the finish line is the day I draw my last breath on earth, NOT when I reach a specific goal...my goal is to have a strong, sexy, beautiful body so that I can have, God-willing, a long, healthy, beautiful life! 

So, while I would seriously LOVE to have a work out buddy, preferably a hot guy with an accent, I will continue to desperately pursue my goals and not give up...ever, ever, ever...EVER! 

ReDirection

I have been thinking so much about writing but everytime I sit down to do so I feel uninspired and unmotivated and as I want this to be a positive blog I figured maybe it would be better if I just didn't write at all but maybe that just kind of defeats the purpose, because honestly I'm going to have struggles, right?  In the infamous words of Hannah Montana..."everybody makes mistakes, everybody has bad days" and Yes I have been struggling with a string of mistakes (or misteps) and bad days.  I call this an Indigo Blue Funk, I'm blue and I don't even know why or what is wrong and I drag arse until I snap out of it or figure it all out!  In the meantime my workouts suffer, my eating suffers and ultimately my results suffer! 

I was determined to get back on track yesterday but easter candy had a stronger pull on my will than the low carb options in my kitchen.  Every weekend for the past month I have found some excuse to stray and this past weekend was no different...hello chocolate easter bunny and orange jello salad!  What I do find is that when I fuel my body with that kind of crap I feel it down to my toes.  I just feel sluggish and gross, I have no energy and I'm moody, and so I need to find a way to motivate myself and keep on track for the long haul.  When I carefully monitor what goes in my mouth and keep my carb intake low and healthy I feel amazing...I lose weight too.  My doctor and my nutritionist are very impressed with the progress I have made, my blood sugar numbers have fallen substantially and I have lost weight so why now am I struggling?  What is the key to lifelong change and health success?  I think it may just be as simple as "keep on keeping on" know that you're going to have bumps in the road as well as easy times, times when you are highly motivated and when you have to push yourself hard for every little success, but never give up and never lose sight of your goal. 

For now I am going to try very hard to pull myself up and turn this funk around...not let the outside issues, the uncertainties of my life get in the way of my health goals and just keep on moving forward! 

I'm in charge here!!!

So, I have had quite a time of it lately, and I have found myself casting about trying to lay blame at someone or something's feet.  And then last night I reminded myself...that I am in control of what goes in my body, how much energy I expend, what I eat, how much I exercise and how I take care of my health...nobody else gets the blame and nobody else gets the credit!  It's me alone!  I think that will help me continue being successful. 

Last week my oldest son turned 21 and with that and several business meetings and engagements being away from home took it's toll on my health plan.  I drank too much, ate the wrong stuff, stayed up way too late, didn't take my medicine and vitamins most of the week and yet surprisingly didn't gain any weight!!!  But even when I got back home with the vow to get my arse back on track I found little ways to sabotage my progress every day, which led to frustration and inevitable blame shifting.  Was it the men in my life that keep steering me off track?  My wrongful thinking that "it probably doesn't matter in the long run", my attitude that I only go around once and I may as well enjoy it while I'm here...a long list of BS filtered it's way through my head and all I can do is counter that by calling myself out!  I'm in control, success or failure lay at my feet! 

Somehow this got through to my rather stubborn mindset and I feel a fresh new determination to see this whole thing through.  Am I scared?  Hells Yes!!!  Of what I don't even know but I am going to get heatlhy, lose enough weight that I fit into normal off the rack clothes, allow myself to eventually get into a great relationship with some awesome man and be a success with my creative self!  I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to achieve all this but letting go of old fears, taking personal responsibility and being diligent will all play a part!  So, here's to me and the power I hold in shaping a beautiful life for myself!

I like me!

Just wondering...what inspires you?  What discourages you?  How do you deal with those people in your life that probably mean well but through words, looks or actions are not supportive or skeptical of your progress?  I realize that I have been on a million diets over the years and I think that I have become jaded in a sense, I'd become less likely to tell anybody I'm on a diet because I knew that I would probably fail...with that in mind I think that's why I decided to go public and post my dieting life on a fricking blog!!!  I think it was a serious attempt at being transparent and honest but also being held accountable to a point...it certianly has helped me just to write it all out and put it out there. 

Yesterday and today I have found myself a little discouraged by some people in my life and greatly encouraged by some others...adjusting and figuring out how I will let that affect me and my progress is what I'm currently dealing with.  Sure I've said before that I would 'finally reach my goal' and ended up not doing so but I've got to succeed one of these days, right? 
I suppose bottom line is, it doesn't really matter what anybody else thinks or expects me to do...it's what I believe about myself because ultimately I am in charge of what goes in my mouth, how much I move my booty and how deeply I believe in myself.  I love myself right now and I'm determined to attain this goal if it takes me the rest of my life. 

Next thought...I'm working on how I can encourage other women to have a healthy body image, I have a Master's degree in which I studied Body Image and the American woman for 3 years I think I need to really do something with all those hours of research and passion and put my brain to work!  So, if anybody is out there reading, what is your body image question, conundrum, angst?  How could somebody help you or help you help yourself?  I'd love to hear your input, questions and rants!  If you don't want to leave a comment for the general public than send me a private email via facebook.

Picture of me March 10th

Throw Down

So, over the weekend I received a throw down, a challenge, an "I bet you can't". It came from a well meaning friend and I know he believes in me but he is stubborn and believes that if I don't go about my journey the way HE thinks than I am certain to fail...funny, I have had several men in my life who hold to this way of thinking...and being the 'stubborn' girl that I am I have to prove this dude W-R-O-N-G!!! But, it's advantageous for me because it simply puts fuel in my already lit fire, a light under my already lit ass, and on his part it was a foolish thing to say.

Can I lose 100lbs in 5 months? For the ability to say "I did it" and $1000 that I plan on spending on new matching bras and panties and other cute clothes from Victoria's Secret? You betcha ass I can!!!

I've already lost 28lbs since January and each day I am more motivated to see this through...this health change and weight loss journey may have started as a New Year's resolution but it's gone on two and a half months longer than most resolutions ever last. It's stuck through traveling and working away from home, vacation, and bad days and sad news...but with every single set back, I assess how I can stay motivated and keep on keeping on!

All I really have to say to my challenger in the sweetest way possible is "THANKS for the motivation Sucka!"

Kettle Balls? Yes Please!

I decided that I could save a lot of money by getting my work out on at home and outside rather than in the gym. I had a 21 day trial membership at the local gym, and as nice as it is I prefer to walk and run outside than on a treadmill and as I'm trying to NOT spend a bunch of money I figured for the price of one months membership price I could get a few new tools for making my workouts at home more productive and it could carry me into the fall...then I will re-assess my financial situation and see if I need the membership for the winter months!

So...I bought a kettleball, it was a 10 lb Danskin brand and it came with a dvd that included three workouts. It also gives you a warm up and cool down as well as instructions on how to use it without hurting yourself or somebody else! I went on my 3mile this morning and afterwards I popped the dvd in and got my kettleball on! he he...I loved it, I will probably not be able to move tomorrow but I think this is going to be a great new thing for me! And at under 20 dollars it's much cheaper than a month at the gym. I'm off for now but I will try and keep up to date notes on my kb experience!

Have a rockin' St. Patty's Day!

One Week Down

I'm going to try and make it through this blog post with limited typos and grammatical errors but I'm on a different computer that is giving me grief!

Anyway...It's been one week that I have been doing the low carb life and I just need to check in. I feel pretty good, pretty dang good actually. I have lost 5lbs and my blood sugars are way down. I'm also having no issues, in the past when I have cut carbs drastically sometimes it just seems like such a struggle for the first few weeks, getting used to it all...but thankfully not this time! I am very happy about that! I didn't have any nasty withdrawal headaches and I really don't have an appetite, so my calories have significantly decreased as well. The other night I was having dinner with family and they were all about to have a bunch of carb laden foods and honestly I could feel how soft it would be to sink my teeth into a big bun but I ate some olives, celery and cherry tomatoes with a little blue cheese and I was good to go!

One of my favorite things to treat myself is a mock rootbeer float. It's A&W diet rootbeer with a little 1/2&1/2 and a little whip cream...it's cold creamy and delicious and very little carbs!

I'm hoping that by summer I will be in a much better place for dating, that I will be half way to my goal and looking cute enough to nab me a few cute boys (men) to enjoy summer with! I'm done hiding behind my fat and I'm ready to navigate the crazy waters of dating in your 40's again!

An outfit I am going to rock this summer? A cute pair of khaki shorts and a white blousy short sleeved mexican poet shirt, a nice tan and a cherry red pedicure! I'm also going to make myself a few cute summer dresses...which leads me to my new mantra "Men are much better than Carbs"

Have a Great Big Wonderful day!!!

Trying a New Approach

So, at this point I have lost 21lbs. which is only 3lbs under my goal for Jan./Feb., but here it is the 8th of March and I have a 12 lb goal to reach in the next four weeks. I know that my progress is pretty good for somebody my age and with the three weeks I spent in the south, traveling and breaking out of the norm are hard on life style changes...however the problem is my blood sugar numbers. They are good after meals but my fasting numbers aren't good, or at least they aren't where my diab/ed lady and I want them. So, in order to lose weight and see how it affects my fasting numbers I am going to go low carb for 12 weeks. This is only a short term change so those of you against that diet need not fret! With the 40+ lbs I will probably lose doing low carb the hope is my blood sugar numbers will drop because of the extra weight off my body and then I can transition into more of a South Beach type eating plan for the rest of my life. For those of you who aren't familiar with South Beach, it's very livable, it's a Mediterrean lower carb/lower fat heart healthy diet that allows for special occasions and people like me who love a glass of wine. As much as I really hate to "diet" I feel that this will be a good thing for me! Progress notes to follow!

I also am posting a picture of myself taken at 21 lbs down! On another note I've joined Club 24 a local athletic club and I am working on getting my workouts back up to the level I was before going to MS...so far so good! Need to get some strength training and weights going because right now it's just cardio! Muscle helps burn calories!

It's a Brand New Week on the Eve of a Brand New Month!

So February was pretty much a bust for this girl. On this last day of the month I find myself struggling with everything that I was succeeding in during January. I worked in Mississippi and although I planned for being away from home most of the month, I bought healthy foods and tried to fix more meals than eating from fast food or restuarants, I was determined to keep it up and lose more, I planned for exercise and taking good care of myself, it kind of all went to hell in a handbasket. It seemed as if all the forces of nature conspired against me for getting my work outs in...although I did manage to get some in everything from bad weather, high crime, time of day, not having a working dvd player for quite awhile and just plain exhaustion from being up all hours sabotouged more than a few work outs. As far as eating I did much much better than last time I was here. I still ate some bad things but overall I did okay.
I came home and was pretty tired and haven't really gotten back into the swing of things...my journals are hit and miss, my exercise is fairly non-existent and my eating pretty much sucks...not sure what is my problem but I find myself in a little bit of a funk!

So what do I do? Do I give up on my resolution and my self? Absolutely not...every road to success has lots of hard parts and to fail would be folly. Nope I have to pick myself up and just keep going, try harder, figure it out, get back on the path, be strong and never, ever give up!

Forgive me...it's been too long since my last confession!

I have a confession...I hate like a flipping pig last night...I could not stop. I had a nice little dinner and then went home and started working, and eating. I had a 60c pudding cup, then an entire bag of microwave popcorn, then another pudding cup, then some guest cookies that were in my mini-fridge (pirouleenes?) those little round tea cookies, then later two pieces of baby bel cheese and some triscuits and Iced Tea! YIKES! What the hell is wrong with me? Mother Nature decided to pull a fast one on me but really? That isn't a reason to pork out!!! So I sat and contemplated this phenom and really tried to figure out what I was feeling...the answer? Loneliness! Okay so now I need to figure out how to NOT eat when I'm feeling a little lonely. I would love to have a friend to work out with, to call and talk to for hours and go to movies with and I would like for that friend to be a guy. I miss my guy friends! I haven't had a really great one for a few years and I think that would really be cool! Also, another thing I shouldn't say but while I'm confessing I'm going to go ahead...I would really like a Valentine this year, being in Mississippi that isn't going to happen but I can still wish! The last little confession for today is not really a bad thing but in a sense a secret. I found out the times and places for 'The Biggest Loser' Casting Call and I'm going at the end of the month to audition! That's about all for now!


Whew...it feels good to just get that off my chest!

Keeping true on the move

I knew that traveling and staying away from home for a few weeks would present special challenges to my life style changes but I must be able to deal with them successfully because essentially life is all about change and we are often pushed into uncomfortable situations and times! If we have a dieting or short term mentality when it comes to changing our body I imagine it is fairly easy to get off track, but if it is an entirely new way of living that we are striving for these hurdles need to be carefully assessed so that we can successfully jump them! I have done fairly well in my new situation, exercise and diet wise although last night I had fried chicken...and I paid the price, it made me a little sick to my stomach but a much worse mental cost. I beat myself up for quite awhile last night and when I started feeling physically better I dragged my booty up and went to the gym again. I worked pretty hard but still wish I could hire a trainer again. I think that having a trainer or even a serious work out buddy would really help me push myself to the next level.

As far as eating the chicken is concerned I woke up this morning, wrote about it in my food journal and forgave myself...now it's time to move on and do better, that's the whole thing with lifestyle changes, you're going to eat stuff through life that you probably shouldn't have but how you subsequently carry on after that is crucial. Accept it and move on and don't let one (or even a couple) bad choices derail your progress, your whole life...that's just throwing the baby out with the bath water. Unfortunately dieting tends to have that effect on people and may be a big reason it doesn't work!

Have a great day!

Time flies if you're having fun or not so you may as well have fun...

I'm not quite sure where the time has gone but it's Wednesday already. I am flying to the deep south for work on Saturday and am trying to strategically plan for the next three weeks and how to keep faithful to my life style change at this early stage...I feel that my eating and exercise habits are just that, habits, but I know that being in a strange place with strange food and circumstances can knock people off balance, I can't let that happen. Last time I was in Mississippi I swear I gained weight just looking at the deep fried, saucy foods and I didn't really restrict myself from eating what I wanted, and I barely got any exercise but my life was a lot different at that point, just a few short months ago. Hmmmmmm.

I think if I keep in mind that this is life change and not diet it will help. I know that having a plan (which I'm working on) and making conscious decisions and not being lazy will all be important to being successful while back there, I will try and post often to keep myself on track!

On another note,I have quite a few friends who are really struggling through the winter this year. The blue funk is hanging around like a fog that one can't see through. I have suffered many winters like this and I'm not sure I have any words of wisdom besides trying to get as much laugh time in as possible; watching a comedy, hanging out with friends and positive people. Also try to get some exercise every day because exercise releases endorphins which make ya feel good, and although this sounds cliche' being thankful for the good things. What are your best coping techniques for when life is beating the crap out of you?

Have a great day and forgive my spelling/grammar mistakes today my brain is a little slow on the uptake this morning! =)

PS I think laughter truly is the best medicine and an attitude of gratitude can help drive through the blue funk periods of life...as my friend Kim always says "Don't be bitter, reconsider"!

Booty Shakin' Play List

Here's a playlist, it's a long one but that way if I'm not inspired by a song on a particular day I can go to the next one with no repeats!

Big Poppa/Notorius B.I.G., Uprising/Muse, Hot in Here/Nelly, Maneater/Nelly Furtado, Little Red Corvette/Prince, SheWolf/Shakira, Caribou Lou/Tech9, The Way I Are/Timbaland, DJ Got Us Fallin In Love/Usher & Pitbull, Yeah/Usher, Seven Nation Army/White Stripes, Don't Trust Me/3OH3, Disco Inferno/50 cent, Just Dance/Lady Gaga, I Was Made For Loving You/KISS, Sex on Fire/Kings of Leon, Stronger/Kanye West, Sexy Back/JT, Empire State of Mind/JayZ, Numb-Encore/JayZ-Linkin Park, Lose Yourself/Eminem, I'm Shipping Up To Boston/Dropkick Murphy's, Supernatural/DC Talk, Boom Boom Pow/Black Eyed Peas, Rock That Body/BEP, Forever/Chris Brown and Naughty Girl and If I Were A Boy/Beyonce'

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time...

I have a ton of stuff I want to write about but I'm going to take my time and write about one particular thing at a time! Speaking of big bites I found the above quote and thought it would work well for an analogy of this journey, when I look at the big picture and how much weight I want to lose I get a little panicky and feel that it will take FOR-EV-ERRRR...but if I take little bites, or make little goals it becomes a lot more do-able. This may seem like a no brainer to many people but I tend to be a jump in with both feet kinda girl and I make grand plans but they don't always happen because I don't always plan. When I do plan however, magic happens! When I'm organized I'm very organized, when I'm driven, I have a one track mind but it's getting to the place where I have a well organized thought out plan or goal that sometimes can trip me up, so thankfully I really believe I have gotten to that point with my fitness goals!

Some things I want to be writing about soon are the psychology of losing weight; how we need to change our minds in order to change our bodies, positive reinforcements, power of creative visualization, and changing old habits so that when we do reach our goals we don't swap one bad behavior for another...(i.e. reliance on alchohol rather than food). I am trying to find an article for a friend about building up to running a 5k, it was in a SELF or Fitness Magazine and it had a great little plan on how to start out slow but gradually be able to run a 5k...also I want to put some music playlists on here, I think that music makes or breaks a workout. I can't imagine working out without the benefit of my Ipod and so I will share and hope other people share their favorite songs to work out to!

On a side note, I had the opportunity to try a breakfast sandwich at Subway, I had the Western Egg Breakfast sandwich on whole wheat english muffin and according to the SUBWAY website it was 180 calories plus 28 calories for the honey mustard...not bad at all! Very filling and delish!

My determination to not care about the numbers from yesterday may have paid off...I'm wondering about how much heavy, stressful, bad thoughts might actually weigh...because after letting it all go and being determined to not be a slave to the number on the scale...they finally moved, down, several pounds.

One more thing before I sign off, this whole journey started because of the bad news re: diabetes and I wanted to give a little update on that. I went in this morning to have another full blood work up done and will have the results back next week however I take my blood sugar level every morning and since I have started this life changing little adventure my numbers have dropped almost 100 pts. consistently over the past three weeks. Also, my blood pressure which had been high for several years has dropped into the normal range. Those numbers my doctor and I attribute more to the huge reduction of stress and how I handle it, but regular exercise and not sneaking ciggarettes anymore have probably helped out too!

My goal is not only to have a smokin' hot curvy body like Nigella Lawson but to completely reverse this diabetic junk...to control my body with good nutrition and exercise. My question for anybody reading this today is, Who do you want to look like? What does your dream body look like? Figure that out and start imagining yourself living in that! Use the mind/body connection to your advantage. The subconscious mind accepts and treats both real conditions and mentally imagined ones as real. Your subconscious mind will accept what you visualize as true! No more negative self talk, forget the past and how it was, reject disbelief, doubts and negative thoughts...and have a sweet day!

Yippee for Multiple Methods of Measuring Success!!!

I was just talking about how I wished the Biggest Loser would occasionally utilize other methods of success...perhaps an episode where contestants fat content was measured and calculated for the biggest loss of the week or measurements, pant size...etc.
I have grown increasingly frustrated by the numbers on the scale not moving at all after the first week yet I feel my body changing...but old habits of judging myself from those numbers die hard...even when I am totally aware of this! So lucky for me, I had measured myself as well and so this morning I decided to see if I had lost even a little bit...?

I have lost 11 and 1/2 inches...and that's just on the parts I measured...I didn't do an all out inch analysis just a few key points of interest! (I lost two full fricking inches on my waist, no sucking anything in, even!) WOOHOO!!! So, just another reminder to not get so wrapped up in what the scale might say, give yourself multiple ways of measuring your success! The numbers will evenutally budge, but there isn't a reason to feel blue until they do if you give yourself other ways to see changes!

Have an awesome day!

Middle of the night musings

It's one a.m. and I can't sleep, so I may as well write. After dropping the heavy topic bomb in my last post I actually found a story of a woman who was on the 'Joy Fit Club' who had somewhat similar experience to mine and had lost 179 lbs in 1 year!!! She was talking about how she decided to no longer be a victim and that got me to thinking...do I consider myself a victim? I really don't! I don't think often about what happened, it was a long time ago and I have dealt with it on several occasions, I have led an exceptionally full and wonderful life despite my ups and downs with my weight. I know that I can't go back and change the past but that I don't have to let it steal the joy from my today or tomorrows. I shared that instance on my blog because it was the catalyst for gaining all that weight all those years ago. I know that I am a confident, successful woman. I have had a wonderfully full life and I am happy right now just the way I am...most of the time.

I know that carrying this extra fat around is endangering my health and in turn my future, I want to be an active, sexy grandma someday (not for a few years...but I'm planning) but in all honesty the weight issues I deal with, the success and failure of all the diets are intimately linked in with my relationships with men and so ultimately I believe I needed to start at the beginning. Boy, I am probably rambling along with no real purpose. Like I said in my previous post I will probably have to address this issue and deal with it until it's fixed enough for me to be successful at getting and keeping this weight off for good! Thanks for bearing with me!

Dealing with emotional weight

I'm not sure exactly what my problem is but I know that I am struggling with some emotional junk that is weighing my progress down. I have been exercising like a trooper, I love to work out! My eating has been okay, but I have noticed over the past few days that I have eaten more than I should and not always followed my own rules...at first I thought I was just hungrier due to the increased exercise but now, I'm not so sure!

Although I have yo-yo'ed quite a bit over the years I haven't been to my "normal" weight since I was 19. Having babies never affected my weight so much, I was healthier when I was pregnant and didn't gain much weight and had no trouble losing baby phat, in fact I only gained 10 lbs total with the twins and lost 37 lbs the day I had them...(that was the best weight loss day of my life) nope, I can't put the blame of weight on my kids nor do I want to.

My problem is rooted a little deeper than that and a lot harder to talk about, but I suppose if I put it out on the proverbial table maybe, just maybe, I will be able to find a way to deal with it? (deep breath) When I was 19, almost 20 I was raped by my ex boyfriend, within a year I had gained almost 100 lbs. Everybody was freaked out and nobody had a clue what my problem was, my mom was pushing me to go to all these doctors and see if I had a thyroid issue, my best friend who I was to be her maid of honor soon, just smiled as I had multiple re-fittings of my bridesmaid dress to adjust to my ever expanding arse and my current boyfriend wasn't thrilled but as our relationship was fragile anyway, I think his reasoning was that I wouldn't leave him as long as I was fat.

After a few years of being absolutely miserable and stuffing down all the emotions that go along with being raped and never dealing with it I started to see a counselor who helped me to realize all the junk that went along with my ordeal. Somewhere in my mind I had decided that fat girls don't get raped or abused and subconsciously chose to put on a protective wall around myself, a nice thick wall of flesh.

I have spent a lot of years analyzing the why's and how's and the choices I have made that have got me to this place, I have used my fat to build a wall in almost all my relationships with men and now I want the wall to fall down and I wonder if I am subconsciously afraid of what will happen if it does come tumbling down. I believe I am strong enough to defend myself against rape or sexual predators, that isn't my fear.
I'm not really sure what my fear is.

I think that's about all I can write just now but I'm sure there will be more to come as I work this all out.

Just a thought!

I love watching 'The Biggest Loser' I think it's pretty motivational but I do have one major complaint aside from the never ending commercial breaks and rolling numbers scale...I think that having all the success being based on pounds lost can be discouraging. If you get to a place where the numbers on the scale don't seem to be moving for a week or so even though you have been diligent with exercise and nutrition, don't give up, make sure you have other qualifiers of success; take your measurements, know what size clothes you're currently wearing (and how they fit) take pictures and be conscious of how your body works.

One of my ways to check my progress is going to be how my favorite pair of overalls fit me...I can't wait for them to be a little on the baggy side and I will be sure and take a picture when I get there! Sunday nights have become picture nights when my daughter takes full body shots of me...smiling helps!

Have a great week!

The New Shoes!

Even the insoles are pretty...they have a bohemian pink, orange and yellow swirl design!

.Mamaz got some brand new shoes!!!

So I thought I would save some money and get some Champion running shoes...bad idea. I put them on walked around the house for 1/2 hour and realized that getting my 'walk-on' for 4 miles in those things would be unbearable. My mom reminded me that you get what you pay for and in the long run paying the extra money would be the better deal because good shoes last much longer than bad ones...and if I get injured the cost would be even higher. So, to the chagrin of the Payless shoe lady I returned my cheap shoes and went directly to Big 5 and got a great deal on some beautiful new shoes! (picture coming soon!)

I took my new Asics GT 2150's out for their initiation and I think they did marvelous! I have a few little blisters and still some pain in my shins but nothing serious!

On a side note I remember doing cost analysis on clothes in my Apparel Design class and if I remember right its the cost of the garment/item divided by the number of uses. If I wear my shoes 6 times a week for 3 months they basically cost me 1.22 for the use I get out of them! (I think that's how that went)

Gel insole failure

The Gel insoles did not work! =( So I am going to have to get those new ASICS sooner rather than later...I set out for a 4 mile walk today and about 1/2 mile into it I knew that there was going to be pain...lots and lots of pain! I kept on thinking that I could stretch it out and finish strong but it just got progressively worse...I only made it 2 miles and every step was hard, when running shoes give up the ghost they don't mess around! Every pair of running shoes I have worn out have always created the same symptoms in my right outer/lower shin and calf. How do your shoes tell you they are done?

BTW Thanks for the comments I appreciate the feedback and let me know how to get to your blogs, I would love to read them!

On a more exciting positive note I had a delicious lunch. Spring mix lettuce with dried cranberries, feta, red onion and crimini mushrooms with a little Tuscan Italian dressing (which Safeway Organics no longer make but is one of the best salad dressings ever) and a bowl of whole/long grain rice!

Cha-Cha-Changes...

On my evening walk last night was the first time I felt it...my stride was longer and stronger, I just felt different. Then this morning I woke up at 4:30 and felt it again, a shift in my body, I just physically feel different. Something significant but a little hard to explain is happening to my body already at two weeks. In the past I have lost weight and noticed this but usually not for a few months. It could be getting older or the new way I'm approaching this lifestyle change, whatever it is I'm looking forward to the day when I can see my success in a big way!

On another note...do you have clothes in which you find yourself hating a certain part of your body? I have this pair of work out pants, that are cute and comfty but every time I put them on I hate the way my butt and belly look even more than usual...so I changed and vowed not to wear them again until I lose 20lbs then I will assess if they still make me have irrational loathing for the way I look...if so I will give them away, (more than likely they will be too big for me at that time and I will have to give them away anyway!)

I am going to get a few more pieces of workout wear to add to my fitness wardrobe because as long as I am exercising several times a day with my goal to burn 4000 additional calories than what my BMR already takes care of I may as well look cute doing so!

Have you tried Blue Diamond Almonds in the BOLD Wasabi and Soy Sauce flavor? If not and you like hot and spicy wasabi you may love these. 28 almonds has 170cal. it's a great "little meal" hot and spicy foods help rev up metabolism and it is widely thought that eating a serving of nuts can possibly reduce the risk of heart disease!

I'm off now to try out my new Dr. Scholls sport Gel inserts in the attempt to prolong the life of my running shoes for two more weeks! One more note...did you know that at Big 5 off size (women's 11 and 12) and (men's 13 and 14) athletic shoes are kept in the back but they are ALWAYS on clearance price. SO I always buy a size bigger in running shoes (11) anyway and the brand new ASICS Gel's that I am planning on getting are $99 for size 5-10 but only $59.99 for a bigger size! Bonus!!!

Another delish menu idea!

Thanks Michelle for reminding me about one of the best little breakfasts! 210 calories of yummy, 1 cup of Special K Red Berries (110) with 1 container Vanilla Yoplait (110) or if you have access to the Greek God's Yogurt, the honey flavored is the best yogurt in the world!

White Cheddar rice cakes at 45 calories each are a great way to satisfy the crunchy salty cravings! I also would like to reiterate how much of an ass kicking you can receive fromt the Biggest Loser Cardio Max workout!

I've been a very naughty girl!

I'm not sure what evil came over me last night but I COULD NOT STOP wanting to eat! I had a bag of baked chips (thankfully the individual sized not full sized!) and a cup of yogurt, then a piece of cheese, another bag of baked chips, another piece of fricking cheese, 32 oz of ice water and a small custard cup of granola...finally. I worked out yesterday several times but I was amazed at how much I wanted to eat because I haven't been hungry at all for weeks. Some of this little episode may be blamed on increased exercise but I know that I have been struggling with some emotional issues that I have yet to even identify. So....

I forgive myself, and move on!

Today is a new day, I woke up nice and early but was side tracked by some news and didn't get my walk on until almost 9:30, went 4 miles and it was so cold! I wonder if one burns more calories dependent on the temperature outside? I looked that question up on Run the Planet, the answer, basically no. You can read the whole article at http://www.runtheplanet.com/trainingracing/nutrition/fuelforcold.asp

I tried the new Tae Bo work out and I think it's terrific...it's very basic Tae Bo, reminds me of my first tapes back in the early days, good work out though! Then I tried the Dancing with the Stars workout with McSissy. I enjoyed the jazz portion of the dance routine, but wasn't really excited about the hip hop or salsa sections...surprisingly so. Did I mention that the Biggest Loser tape really kicked butt? McSis and I both thought it would be more geared to chubby people i.e. a little geared down...not so, it really got the booty moving!

I tried the Thomas' Bagel Thins and at 110 calories for a whole one I would recommend them. The only thing they really have in common with a bagel is the hole in the middle, but they taste great and were great sandwich bookends to my ham, muenster and basil sammie. Combined with a bag of baked Lays and a thin layer of cream cheese my lunch was 470 calories and delish!

That's about it!

Holy Cow! The Weekend's over!

Not sure why the weekends tend to fly by while the week takes it's own sweet time but then again I'm not going to complain about time, it flies by way too fast as far as I'm concerned! I survived the weekend and have a few new tools to take into this week. I found four work-out videos at Costco yesterday; TaeBo 'This is Tae Bo', Dancing with the Stars 'Fat burning cardio dance', The Biggest Loser 'Cardio Max Weight Loss', and AM &PM Yoga. I have mixed feelings about work-out videos in general, some of them are fantastic and I get attached quickly but some are a total waste of money. In the past I was a dedicated Tae-Bo'er but somewhere along the way to chubbyville I lost my infatuation with Billy Blanks. I'm going to be assessing the workouts on these dvd's this week and giving a little input each day.

In my quest to lose big numbers this year I am dedicated to working out as often as possible...I want to try and burn around 4000 calories a day...I'm eating 1600 calories a day and factoring in my Basil Metabolic Rate (BMR) (the number of calories I utilize a day if I just kept my happy butt in bed) I am hoping to see some more big losses over the next four weeks. I know this will slow down as I drop weight but right now I can lose big numbers!

SO.....McSissy and I pop in the Yoga video...yawn, it is really a wake up or relaxing stretch routine, nice but not what we were really in the mood for. Then we put the Biggest Loser dvd in...We did the first week routine, I think it was about 1/2 hour long, IT KICKED BOTH OF OUR ASSES! I can only imagine how fricking sore I will be in the next two days, but for 7.99? A great investment! I will be rating the rest of these video workouts as I go through them this week.

This weekend I worked out and worked through the last of my shin splint pain, realized I am ready for a new pair of running shoes and that I am not going to feel bad after taking my measurements...my first instinct was to beat myself up, freak out, ponder how the hell I have gained all this fricking weight back AGAIN...and then I just realized that it would be a complete waste of my time. I may not be where I want to be right now but my measurements and the numbers on the scale don't make me a bad person, they really don't define who I am, they don't detract from what is on the inside. They are only numbers, they are a means of measuring my progress...I am working hard and I will succeed and hopefully this will be the last time I ride this roller coaster but life is too short to beat myself up over letting myself go!

That's about all for this post. I'm trying to get my nerve up to write about my weight and how it has been so intricately enmeshed in the state of my relationships with men...but that will take some courage!

Sweet dreams!

2011 The Best Year Yet!

I decided to start out with really positive and can-do attitude. My first goal is to turn my bad health numbers completly around, to reverse the diabetes. My cholestrol and blood pressure are in the normal range but I want to get them lower so that I can avoid things like strokes and heart attacks!

My second goal which goes hand in hand with my first is to lose 12 lbs. a month for 12 months...or average weight loss at the end of the year 144 lbs! Yes, one hot mama! How I am going to do that?

1. Food! Eat SMALL portions, frequently! I have cut my portions in half and am planning on reducing them again. I eat 6 to 7 times a day, three of those times are a more meal and the other times are smaller fuelings! Lower carb, more mediterranean type foods, Organic, Little to no white sugar, white flour, white rice. Low fat Dairy, Lean meats, Fiber, Water...and not eating after 7:30.

2. Exercise! Cardio 4x a week, interval training...and MiXiNg it UP!!! Muscle and Strength building 3x week. Being active any chance I have! My goals for my physicality are to complete a 5k, a 1/2 marathon and a women's triathalon this year!

3. Motivation and Behavior Modification! Take pictures weekly, weigh and measure! Keep a detailed motivating journal, not just what I eat and all but what's going on, any articles or pictures that inspire me. Set Goals, short term & long term. Be specific! Plan meals and snacks and for emergency situations!

My end goal is to be strong, curvy, healthy, sexy and beautiful on the outside and inside! I love clothes and fashion so it will be nice to be in smaller and sexier clothes...maybe I will start dating again after I get there!

I am also reminding myself about the Wellness Wheel and keeping my life balanced in all areas of my life; Physical, Intellectual, Spiritual, Relational, Career/Financial and Emotional!

Have an awesome day!

A brand new year and attitude!

Last spring as my life was derailing I managed to lose weight, eat healthy, reduce stress and exercise regularly...then I got my headaches and life came to a sudden halt! I was diagnosed with a spontaneous csf leak in my head...basically a tear in the lining of my brain, not fatal but fricking painful. I have learned to deal with the pain with copious amounts of caffeine and taking better care of myself and the good news is I have a neurology appt. in March! My blood pressure has dropped to the normal range and my doctor believes that may be a direct result of consciously reducing my stress but...

Last month I received some rather crapulous news from my doctor, I have diabetes. This is something I haven't really wanted to share with anybody, I'm pretty embarassed by it actually. However I believe that in order to change I am going to have do some things differently and one of them is admitting when I have a problem and then fixing it from there as opposed to pretending there isn't a problem!

I don't usually make New Year's resolutions, or at lease one's that I intend to keep so I thought that maybe that would be a good place to change...make one resolution and see it through for the entire year...no matter what!

So with planning and tracking I started the 2011 with a positive attitude, specific goals and the knowledge that I am going to have to crack down and do what needs to be done even if it isn't pleasant or comfortable! NOBODY, including this phat girl wants to hear that somebody is losing weight by good diet and exercise but the reality of it is that in order to make weight loss changes that last for the rest of ones life I believe that is how it needs to be done! This morning on my walk I just kept repeating "pain is weakness leaving the body" I think that's something I heard from my brother but being sore and working through it is not only building strength in my body it's building strength of character.

My goal is to lose 144lbs this year, that's a 12 lb a month average loss...but if the people on biggest loser can lose more than that in 6-7 months I can do so in a year. I have been an athlete (albeit a chubby one now) for quite awhile but I know that I can do this and I'm going to use my blog to detail how!